My feelings come and go...one day I am feeling on top of the world the next, swimming in the murky murky mote water as my son, Jack would say.
I am a mom, I am wearing a mom shirt, it is cute but the more I think about it, it is a mom shirt. I have 2 of the most perfect little boys, Jack just turned 3 and Christian is turning 2 in a couple weeks.
Hoping that my face clears up, I am in my last couple months of my 20s, why am I breaking out like a 15 year old? I am still hoping it is the lighting in my mother in laws bathroom. It is really really bad, and trying to put makeup in really bad lighting sucks.
so anyway...I attended a perfect wedding of a friend last night, she really does have the perfect life. I mean that in all honestly and jealousy, she really does have the perfect life. She has a job that she is perfect at and I can attest to that as she has done some work with my family last year and they are...perfect. she has a part time job that urbanites are jealous of just because of the discount she gets, I hope she shares. She had the perfect wedding, I mean really it was absolutely beautiful, she was stunning, her now husband was as handsome as could be and the logistics of it are unbelieveable, so swanky so uptown, I was so jealous. I didn't think of how things could change in 5 years, but the 5.5 years that I have been married, the thought of some of the things that she had and did at this wedding, never even crossed my mind, she was in my wedding and I would have hoped she would have shared her insite if it did exist, so I am sticking to that they didn't and will say I also had a perfect wedding.
So in my quest for a perfect life started last night as I am sitting in the uber trendy part of the city where the reception was held, in a deep, dark leather chair while the bride and groom where having their first dance, I started to cry. She looked amazing, she looked perfect. I had thought I was perfect, I bought a new fabulous dress (way out of my comfort zone), some super high heels, my makeup was done my hair was done (not did...what does that mean anyway) and I had my Adam take a picture....well pictures don't lie and well, I think I looked less than steller...it wasn't good. I had a meltdown and I had to leave. I left the wedding of one of my closest friends. It wasn't hard, I can't believe I just said that, but she had other people pretty sure I wouldn't have been missed, although I secretly hope that I was.
For a little bit I felt like I belonged in that life.
There are a ton of things in life that I want and right now I am bound and determined to get it. It comes and goes. I will get it. I will get the more than perfect life because what can I say, my life is perfect for me. But I want the perfect city life, the perfect country life, the perfect suburban life. I want to live that life where I am not recognized in each of these places, well my family too, I want to go to the city and look like I belong, I want to head out to the country and look like I belong, I want to go home and look like I belong. You know going from high heels to my running shoes to my slippers. I want to people to ask is that really her?
I am a mom, wife, a sister, daughter, friend. I want more. It comes and goes.